Harry Potter and the Book of Strange Faith
by Melodysmilesalot
Summary: Why can't Voldemort be a good villain and stay in his place? Why did he run away from the war? And why the hell is he hiding? Instead of the Harry runs from war stories, this is about Voldemort's escape Later Slash, HPLV! better summery inside
1. Smelly Nuns

Harry Potter and the Book of Strange Faith

Chapter One: Smelly Nuns.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. I do own my interpretations though of this particular Catholic school, for it is purely of my imagination. Any reference to anyone I may or may have not known at one time in my life is entirely coincidental. (really it is) So please, no suing, that's just not fun.

Also, in respect for Neil Gaimen and Terry Prattchet, their book Good Omens gave some inspiration to this story. Along with my friend who helped me brainstorm this, and made it all come true.

NOTE: This story is intended for HUMOR if it insults you in any way, shape, form, or any other entity that I forgot then go away! P.S. It's a boyxboy thing. Hehehehehe! Also, Harry is living with a muggle family who think he is just a transfer student, the woman isn't yelling at him like Petunia does, she just doesn't want him to be late for school. nods

**THERE ARE TWO SUMMERIES A GOOD ONE AND A FAST ONE!**

** READ WHATS BEST FOR YOU!!!**

Good Summery: Voldemort, for lack of better knowledge has decided to flee from the war (instead of Harry Fleeing, so this time, it's the other way around) except he is clever, he disguises himself into the perfect setting. A Catholic school. Harry Potter, follows the dark lord to said school and is there to uncover who he really is amongst the students. Can he survive the challenges that await him?

Fast Summery: Voldemort has gone into hiding, Harry has to find him.

PLEASE R&R

XXXX

Harry

"This is annoying, no, this is worse then annoying it's completely bothersome. Why can't Voldemort be a GOOD dark lord and just stay in England?!" Harry mumbled to himself as he fixed his tie. He looked in the mirror and grimaced at himself; he grew out his hair to hide his scar (even though hiding it wouldn't conceal his identity to Voldemort.) His uniform was a bit more colorful then his old Hogwarts one. There was no robe or pointed hat, but tan pants, a white shirt, and a very ugly and itchy blue sweater. He had a tie, checkered black and blue with a white line through the middle and a belt. He stared at himself and put his head on the mirror "…And the world will never know his sacrifice" he mumbled.

"HARRY!" a woman's voice from downstairs yelled to him, "YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE HURRY UP!!!"

He looked towards the door "I am!" he yelled down to the woman. He straitened his tie and gave himself one more look before heading down, "Saint Agnes here I come."

Saint Agnes Catholic School of Good Upbringing and Polite Society

Harry

"So this is where you will eat with the other students" said a young nun who was taking Harry on a tour of his new school, "This is the gymnasium, you will get changed everyday and have Gym with the other students"

Harry nodded though he wasn't really paying attention to a word she was saying, he was on the lookout for anyone who looked like a young Tom Riddle, or even an older Tom Riddle, or anyone other then himself, who didn't have an accent; or as they said here "Who did have an English accent." So far though no such luck; the boy whose house he was staying at moved away from Harry the moment they got to school and no one in his homeroom actually talked to him. His teacher was a very old and strange smelling nun, and he doubted that was Voldemort in disquse. No, this wasn't going to be easy, and that was not good for the Boy who lived.

Voldemort

Things weren't that hard for the Dark Lord. No he didn't like being around all those muggles but right now he didn't really have an option. So as he sat next to some slightly attractive muggle girl named Valerie (Who was having him listen to her musical device…thingy) and pretended to be interested in the…stuff they fed this poor children. One of the boys, a pimply little thing that reminded him slightly of Peter Pettigrew was talking about how all the food was moving like Jello did. The boy next to him kindly pointed out that the jiggly thing was Jello.

"I swear to GOD this stuff is alive" the pimply boy said about the other food (and rather loudly) "I mean LOOK AT IT!"

"I am looking" He shrugged his shoulders "Just don't eat it if your going to complain."

"But, but"

"No buts" he said finalizing their conversation.

Tom didn't find their conversation all that amusing, this is what they had been doing the last few weeks, (a strange way for a bunch of freshmen and sophomores to act) "Well I think" he started but Valirie cut him off,

"Have you seen the new boy??"

And in unison they all said "What new boy?!" but Tom was said with a bit more urgency then the others.

"Yea, he's in my homeroom, total cutie" She moved her head allowing the headphone in Voldemort's ear to fall out, "But he doesn't talk like at all, and was looking around really nervously; it was so" she dragged out the o " cute!"

"That's….wonderful" Tom shrugged and glanced at her, "I'm…getting something to eat…" he stood up and walked to the lunch line. Acting like a muggle teenager really wasn't all that easy…

Harry

This whole day had been going wrong, there was no site of Voldemort, or "Tom Riddle" or any boy with the name "Tom Riddle" or even the last name "Riddle" or even the hint of someone talking proper English or with an "Accent like his" and now it was just very, very annoying. To top all of that the sweater he was wearing was itchy, and even if it was hot in this horrible excuse for a cafeteria he wasn't aloud to take it off.

So now -as he tried not to show how annoyed he was while waiting for something that looked like macaroni and cheese but jiggled strangely- Harry looked around the cafeteria. No…no "Tom"… He hung his head slightly as he handed a grumpy looking nun who smelt funny (but maybe it was the food….) Then behind him he heard;

"Don't get the macaroni, the pizza is better."

The voice sent a chill down Harry's spine but he didn't turn around. No, that was to easy…way to easy…the smooth easy way of talking…the only thing missing was a face and the "accent". He nodded and mumbled lowly "okay…" trying to keep his voice low.

Again the voice said, with almost no care at all, "Your welcome." And put their tray next to his.

Harry felt himself go into a form of silent shock as he pointed to the pizza; he found the dark lord, and he was standing right behind him.

XXX

PLEASE R&R!!!

I hope this was good, I really think it was good; I needed to do something a little different really fast, or I would never be able to finish chapter seven of "Escaping"

Let me tell a quick story, and then I will let you get onto your lives;

The idea for this came while speaking to my friend; she and I talked and I wanted to write a new yaoi (that's right friends, this is gonna become a slash) and then I talked about my past and the things I remember growin up. Including smelly nuns (Not all were smelly just the ones that were left an impression)

So then after all of that talking, this story was developed. I hope you like it, and depending on the reviews (Not the quanity but what they say) I might update this. . enjoy!


	2. O Snap

Harry Potter and the Book of Strange Faith

Chapter 2: O snap.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. Thank you.

Note: When you see a "x" go right to the bottom of the fan fiction because the joke will be lost if you don't get the pronunciation right.

R&R please

Voldemort

He tried hard not to smile when he saw the reaction the boy had to his voice. So he had found the new boy; and Harry Potter all at the same time. He had to admit though; he was nervous, dreadfully nervous because if the boy recognized him, if Potter decided to make the first move; well, he'd be on the run again and that was definitely something he didn't want to do. Then he saw it, the boy had been shaking, not much but enough that if you were close by (say right behind him) you'd notice it. That did make him smile; yes Potter was afraid of him (or at least worried.)

He said nothing though, to the boy, as he placed his tray next to the boy's and waited as the miserable Nun served them food. As they walked down the line, other options (such as juice, milk, cookies the size of your head, pretzels, French fries, chips, ice cream, and the list could go on and on. He watched as the boy picked up some things gave them a look, and put them back; it actually delighted him in the fact that Potter was trying to pull off the normal muggle act. He tapped Potter on the shoulder and tried hard not to laugh when the boy jumped three miles high.

"Yes?" Harry turned only slightly, as to let Voldemort know he was listening.

"You're the new kid right?" Voldemort moved a piece of hair from his face, "What class do you have next"

Harry looked at him wearily and sighed mentally, there was now way this kid was Voldemort, no way…he just was too…to normal to be the Dark Lord. "I'm not to sure…my schedule is in my backpack but…" he motioned with his head that he wasn't able to get it since his hands were full.

"Well, do you have a place to sit?" This was laughable; the boy seemed to be relaxing, even dropping his guard. This was working out all to well for the Dark Lord. Harry shook his head no, "Well then sit with me and my friends."

They bought their lunches and Harry followed Voldemort to his table.

Harry 

Calm down…calm down was the mantra Harry repeated to himself. Yes, this may be the dark lord, this may be his chance to finally end all of this, but… this kid, this kid was to friendly, he didn't "have an accent" he seemed every bit (as rude as this may have sounded) American as the rest of them. As he was led to this boy's lunch table he saw how…how…normal they were. It shook him, of course it did; how could this feeling be so wrong. The only girl at their table looked up from her Ipod and stared at Harry for a few minutes, turned a shade of pink, and looked back to her music. The boy sat down next to her, and then sat Harry next to him. This is crazy…that's it, this was crazy and that's all that was wrong with this picture.

The girl removed her headphones and reached across the boy so she could shake hands with Harry, "I'm Valerie."

He shook her hand "Hi, I'm Harry –"

She cut him off "yea I know you're in my homeroom, and you're the new boy."

The boy sighed "Valerie, leave him alone, you're scaring him"

"I am not, am I scaring you Harry?!"

He had a hard time answering that. This girl was definitely strange he opened his mouth to say no, but the boy (who Harry just realized now he didn't know this boy's name) cut in "Yes your scaring the poor guy, now leave him alone Valerie"

One of the other boys (a pimply one that reminded him of Peter Pettigrew) spoke up, "Tom, don't be mean to her. She treated you the same way"

Tom smiled forcefully, "Yes, so I know exactly how he feels"

The one next to him snorted and started to laugh, "That's nice!" he laughed harder.

Harry looked down at his food, he had ordered the pizza but the pepperoni was an alarming color, and the cheese seemed to be breathing. Harry pushed the tray away from himself and looked at the milk carton. It said "Expire" and then yesterday's date. He groaned, "This is disgusting"

The boy who reminded him of Peter nodded, "Yea it is. Hey are you gonna eat that?" He pointed to Harry's pizza. Harry replied by handing his tray to the boy. "Thanks!" he smiled and started to eat it.

Tom turned to Harry, "So can I see your schedule now?"

"Oh, yea…" he reached inside of his backpack and handed it over to him. Tom took it quickly and started to scan it. Valerie was looking over his shoulder.

"You poor, poor boy" she looked at Harry, "You have religion class next."

"Religion?" And that's when it all finally came into full for Harry. He didn't know a lick of this "Christianity" the Dursley's didn't practice a religion since they didn't believe in anything that had any hints of magic. This was bad, this was really really bad. This wasn't the first time in life he wasn't prepared for something, but this…this would be painfully obvious.

"Yea with Sister Zorolbottum "x" "

"What's so bad about having her as a teacher?"

"Well," Tom started, "the first thing is that sometimes, not all the time, but some times she falls asleep in the middle of teaching a lesson. She also doesn't want to hear about any other religion because anything else is "blasphemy"." He laughed.

"Also" Valerie looked at Harry like she just found out he was a puppy with some form of terminal diseases, "You're in the same class as Tom, and he's horrible!"

Tom didn't acknowledge this comment and she continued on

"He's gonna get you in soo much trouble, that's the only class he acts up in!"

Harry looked over at Tom, and sighed. This was gonna be a long day.

Next Class

Harry

O Snap. Oh snap o snap oh snap. His new mantra was a bit more catchy then the last one, but nun"xx" the less it wasn't going to help him much. He followed Tom to their next class, and was told by a nod that he was to walk to the front of the room.

Sister Zorolbottum was a peculiar woman, and even saying that was an understatement. She wore the nun wear, just like all the others, but there was something wired about her. (And it wasn't that she smelled of old perfume and crazy sticks.) When Harry was standing next to her though, and heard the first words out of her mouth, he realized how strange this woman was.

"This is one of God's children who has been brought to us by him from England" she started, "May you all accept him into your hearts and treat him kindly like you do to all the other students!" She pointed to an empty seat in the back "Go sit next to Tom my dear."

Harry nodded and quickly went to his seat.

The first five minutes of class were uneventful, she was just reviewing what their last lesson was (Something about a man, and a man, and something, and a man, and Harry decided at that point to zone her out) and after that five minutes something strange did happen. She shut up. The other students turned to each other and started talking, and Tom looked over to him.

"Look at the nun" he smiled as Harry did.

He forgot his "O Snap" mantra relatively quickly. Sister Zorolbottum had fallen asleep standing up, and even though the class was talking she didn't wake up. He relaxed a bit. Yea…this was gonna be a piece of cake.

XXX

Pronounced: xSore old bottom.

xxMy bad attempt at another nun joke.

Soo, Moldy Voldy was found, but no action.

Hmm...

I don't really know why (the characters ran away from me... le sigh)

Anyway. Please R&R. It means a lot.


	3. Crazy Priest

Harry Potter and the Book of Strange Faith 3 Crazy Priest 

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter

Interesting Tidbit: Catholic schools (Like all schools) sell lunch that deserves to be held at arm length. Sometimes you are lucky though, like soup, for an example is safe (Unless you find blood in it, then its not.) Jello is also not the only thing that jiggles in these schools. Macaronis do too, along with the meat. Giant cookies are safe, and so are curly fries. Any other type of fry you should worry about, and any other type of cookie is stale and not to be loved. If you did not read this, thats fine, its just going to be in the story later on, its not important in this chapter (and it had more use last chapter...)

Warning: I make fun of the Catholic religion (a bit) in this story. It's all meant for humor, and if you don't like it (and you've actually gotten this far) then please don't say anything to me. I've been here, and done that. Also this is a Yaoi a BoyxBoy story. Later on this will be rated M (because I'm givin that a shot) Alright, enjoy chapter three.

Voldemort

Valerie was talking. This girl never shuts up, he thought wearily, and she never will….

"So then I was like 'excuse me, did you just say that' and the bitch you know what she said?!"

He shook his head no and said to her exasperated and in desperate need of tone change said "What do you think of Potter?"

"…."

He sighed, "The new kid."

"OH! Him, he is so" the o was drawn out, "Cute!" she smiled "Did you see how he reacted when we started talking to him? He's so shy!" she giggled and he rolled his eyes. "What do you think about him?"

He wondered what she would do if he said "I'd love to kill him" but decided that wasn't the best approach (Especially in America) and chose to say "I think he's okay…to quiet and he's an air head."

She gave him a dirty look, "He's just scared! He's new here!"

"I was new here not even two weeks ago." He said dully.

"That's different Tom, you're not from another country!"

He smiled to himself. She had no idea.

Harry

Harry couldn't help but wonder how crazy his religion teacher actually was. He was worried of course that not everything she said was a lie. Magic was real, so maybe god was too, he had to reason. Thus is why Harry was in such a dilemma. He was in church, and everyone was getting up to receive Holy Communion.

The nun's voice rang in his ears "God will kill any heathen on the spot if they do not truly accept God in their heart and then takes part in the Holy Communion!"

Tom's leg nudged him, "Harry move, we have to go and get communion."

"But, I-"

"Harry get up" he stood and grabbed Harry's arm pulling him up as well, "Let's just get this over with, mass is almost over."

Voldemort

Voldemort couldn't lie to himself; he was enjoying this to the fullest. Potter seemed to be taking the crazy old bats words for truth; it was really in all truth pretty funny. He found it hard not to laugh while he pushed Harry out of the isle. He shook his head slightly remembering that he was the picture of confidence during his first mass, unlike Potter here who seemed to be showing clearly he had no idea what they were doing.

He laughed quietly to himself.

After Mass

Tom laughed loudly as he told Valerie how Harry had dropped the host and how the priest had fainted. "It was hilarious I can't believe you were in the bathroom"

She pouted, "Oh Harry!" she pulled the embarrassed wizard into a hug, "You poor child, did they attack you?!"

He shrugged her off, "I don't get the big deal it's just a wafer…"

A new voice accompanied their conversation, "JUST A WAFER?!"

Harry moaned, it was the crazy priest, "JUST A WAFER!" the priest repeated as he walked over quickly, "Son, you do not seem to appreciate that that is the lords body that he gave up for you! That he DIED for your SINS!"

Harry stared at the man before him, "But sir, you can't really expect me to believe that you actually turned a wafer into human skin, and if you did then wouldn't that be considered cannibalism?"

Again the priest looked ready to faint, "IT IS THE BODY OF YOUR SAVIOR! DO YOU HAVE NO FAITH!?"

Tom took this opportunity to step in, and did so tacitly, "FATHER! LOOK A HOMOSEXUAL COUPLE!"

The priest spun around faster then you can say Jesus Christ, and Harry, Tom, and Valerie ran like bats out of hell to get away from crazy Father Chuck.

XXX  
Ok that's it for chapter three; it took me forever to write this one… I wanted to do church, but I didn't know how to present it. What you have read is the fifth time I rewrote this, and I still am not satisfied.  
Anyway to make up for the month delay I am including this; a quick preview to chapter 4 (and remember chapter four is still under construction)

Chapter 4: Dance the holy way

Harry In the Auditorium/Gym

"…And now students onto the homecoming dance." The principal was an old man (who also was the priest who fainted in church) Today he was giving the students his annual what to do during homecoming speech. The assistant principal and elderly woman who was going senile stood next to him; she seemed to be concentrating on the floor. "We will be having homecoming dance in two weeks; tickets will be on sale during all lunch periods and during homeroom. You may also buy them at the end of the day in the front office. Now for the rules."

Voldemort felt Valerie poke him in the arm for the fifth time, "What do you what?" he hissed.

"I think Harry fell asleep…" she pointed next to Tom.

It was true, Potter was asleep, his head was hung low and his body slouching if you paid attention you could see him taking slow and steady breaths.

"Yes and what would you like me to do about it?"

"Um…wake him up?"

"No, let him sleep."

"But he'll miss the news about-"

"I'll fill him in watch the principal."


	4. Dance the Holy Way

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry potter, or the Bible, or anything else of that means.

I also don't own any of the songs I use in this. Marilyn Manson does

Chapter 4: Dance the holy way.

"Regular speech"

"_Parsletounge" _

Chapter 4

Harry 

In the Auditorium/Gym

"…And now students onto the homecoming dance." The principal was an old man (who also was the priest who fainted in church) Today he was giving the students his annual what to do during homecoming speech. The assistant principal and elderly woman who was going senile stood next to him; she seemed to be concentrating on the floor. "We will be having homecoming dance in two weeks; tickets will be on sale during all lunch periods and during homeroom. You may also buy them at the end of the day in the front office. Now for the rules."

Voldemort felt Valerie poke him in the arm for the fifth time, "What do you what?" he hissed.

"I think Harry fell asleep…" she pointed next to Tom.

It was true, Potter was asleep, his head was hung low and his body slouching if you paid attention you could see him taking slow and steady breaths.

"Yes and what would you like me to do about it?"

"Um…wake him up?"

"No, let him sleep."

"But he'll miss the news about-"

"I'll fill him in watch the principal."

So the principal droned on about mundane things about dress code, proper attire and so on. And then he said something new, "There have been many questions sent in by anonymous students about same sex couples at the dance." At this he banged the podium waking up everyone who had been sleeping, "My answer to that is this; it is a SIN against GOD and anyone willing to make that act will be given a suspension!"

Voldmort saw Harry look at him, and he patted his head, "Go back to sleep, I'll fill you in later." The boy nodded and rested his head again, falling back into a peaceful slumber; it was like taking candy from a baby.

Preparations 

Harry found himself in Tom's house, sitting on one of Tom's chairs, while Tom was picking out his outfit for the homecoming dance. Harry looked down at his sneakers, jeans, and shirt and wondered if he was underdressed. Tom walked down stairs and looked at Harry, "After the homecoming Valerie decided to throw a party at my house" he motioned to how large it was, and shrugged, "So do you want to help me get ready for it?"

Harry looked around the large home and nodded, "What do your parents do for a living?" he asked.

"My father is a lawyer…and my mother is a doctor…" he then added, "They are traveling around the world right now."

Harry opened his mouth to comment but Tom held up his hand, "Let's go to the dance now."

Dance the Holy Way

In public schools teenagers do a form of dancing called "Bumping and Grinding" if you attempted this form of dancing at Saint Agnes a nun, (or priest) would come over and put a ruler between you and the object/person you were dancing with and would separate you. Valerie complained that they only did this at this school, but with Harry's lack of experience he really wasn't able to say anything. Their dancing was a bit off putting as it was. Tom laughed as Jim (who is the boy who looks like Sirius) spiked the punch bowel, and Jack (the boy who looked like Peter) was eating many of the assorted goodies at the tables. Valerie turned over to Tom, "So is your house ready or what?"

"Ready for what Valerie," he poured himself a cup of the newly spiked punch and looked at her, "your party?"

"Yes, your party. Did you set it all up?"

He took a sip, "not yet."

"WHAT?!"

Harry wanted out of this dance, "Tom, why don't we go set it up now…"

He laughed more, but quietly, "Sure, let's go."

The After Party

Harry

The music was booming through the speakers; the party had been going on for two hours now, and the house was a mess. Already he had been pulled into lines of kids dancing and it took a lot to fight them away from him. He found a closet and pushed himself inside of it, desperate to get away from everyone at the party. No one here was really his friend, and people that didn't even go to school were starting to show up. The party was going bad fast.

Harry leaned against one of the coats and took a deep breath trying to regain his composer, the closet was pitch black but that was okay. No one was in here, and no one would bother him in here. Then the door opened and a bit of light entered the small room. The door closed silently behind them, and the door locked.

A few seconds earlier

Voldemort

The song went on "I don't mind you keeping me on pins and needles. If I could stick to you and you stick me to" and Voldemort smirked to himself. He watched Potter rush into the closet to escape all the madness that was going on. This was the perfect time to grab him, the music was on loud and no one would hear them if there was a fight.

Voldemort took a gulp out of the styrofoam cup he was drinking from and just dropped it on the floor. He was a bit drunk, his face a little red from all the alcohol he had been drinking, but he knew that he could get rid of Potter now no problem. He opened the door to the closet, the music blaring in a little longer before he shut the door,

"Don't break, Don't Break my heart! And I won't break your heart shaped glasses"

Second Person POV

Voldemort shut the door behind himself and all the noise from the party disappeared. Potter looked startled; Tom could see his face clearly as he walked over towards him. Harry backed away slightly but felt himself trapped in the corner; he didn't know who was in there with him, but they were alone, and reeked of alcohol. Voldemort put his hands on Harry's sides trapping him between the wall and himself; Voldemort felt himself smirk.

"Tom?" Harry said, quietly, "Is that you?" he no longer sounded scared, but now he sounded confused, "what are you doing?"

Voldemort moved his body closer to Harry's and noticed that the boy was red, and very warm. The consealer Harry used to hide his scar was slowly fading away and there was a light outline of it, Harry was also shorter then him, and very weak. He leaned himself forward, _"Potter_" he hissed, "_I hate you_" he grabbed the boy's lips in his own and pressed Harry further into the wall.

Harry let out an involuntary gasp and tried to push Voldemort away from him but he felt his arms get held down and his head pressed against the wall. He tried to cry out but Voldemort only took that opportunity to push his tongue inside of Harry's mouth. After what felt like forever he released Harry, who slumped to the floor, and stared at himself with almost a form of horror. "What did I just do?"

XXX

That's all for Chapter 4.

Please RnR, I know this one wasn't as filled with dumb humor as last time, but yea…there was kissing. (I think it went well)

So that's it, R&R and I will update soon


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